Me without you [Trist something]

af Gæst Tors 16 Jun 2016 - 20:00

I always knew. Somehow I always knew it would end up like this. With one of us left. I still don't understand why. Why would you do this to me? You were meant to be here with me. Not just leave me alone. I know you think you saved me. I know you think you had no choice. That you had to do this so you could save me. But did you have to die? Now all I feel is a hole inside of me. A big hole of darkness. I feel so empty. I don't even know who I am now? You were my home. You had the key to my heart and now the key is gone - gone with you. I feel sad all the time. I just want to scream. Scream till I can't breathe anymore. I feel like every breath I take pulls my closer to death. I feel like I could die any second I'm without you. I can't remember me feeling so hopeless.. so lost. Because what do you do? What do you do when you want to see his smile.. his face. But you can't. You can't see him again. Because every time you do, you see the last memory of him. The way he sacrifice himself for me. Give up every dream he had for me. Takes his last breathe because he could not stand to be the one watch it be me. I'm angry at him. So angry. He was so selfish but jet so selfless. Or maybe I'm the selfish one. If I had the chance I would have done the same.
Maybe that is what keeps me going? Knowing that he watches over me. That I know he wants me to keep on fighting. Maybe he knew this would happen when he meet me. Maybe he knew that we both would love each other so much that we would die for each other. But all I want to do now is live for his love. He keeps me going even though he is gone. He keeps me fighting.

I'm looking at the flower. The roses in the garden. It makes me smile a bit. Because I remember he gave roses too me once. They were so beautiful. When I think about them I can still smell them. This nice smell. I remember his touch when he took my hand. I remember how safe I felt in his arms when he hugged me. I remember how just a second with him made my day a lot better. So how am I supposed to move on from that? How am I supposed to love again, because I don't want to. I don't think I know how to love someone that isn't you. And honesty? I don't want to be with anyone who isn't you. I know you want me to live. I know you want me to be this happy girl and you want someone to make me happy again. But I can't. I can't do that. Because I'm still in love with you. I still see your face in my dreams. Maybe I'm just scared? Scared that someone could take my pain away. Because the pain of losing you, is the only thing I have left of you. The only thing I'm able to feel in my heart at the moment and I don't know If I'm ready to let that go.

When you think about it, this could have been you. I could have left you like this. I could be free from this pain and just thinking about it makes me feel so selfish. Would you be angry at me for leaving If it was me? Would you be thing about the same things as me? Would you feel this lonely? Maybe you would. Maybe it is what I deserve. Maybe I'm the commander of death? The angel of death. We all know death will come and take us one day. But I never expected it to take you from me this soon. It was too soon. I wasn't ready at all. Maybe that is my problem. It took me by a surprise and now I'm alone. It was so beautiful before. I could look at the sunset and smile. Now. Now I look at it and want to cry. I went to the lake last day. Normally It made me so happy and made me feel so peaceful. This time I broke. I could feel my lips shaking and I guess I just lost my balance. I hit the ground with my eyes covered in tears. And I was thinking. Why would be let someone into our lives and give them so much power over us? He is gone but he still have so much power over me. Because I love him, I still love him. I will always love him.

I know he did it because he loved me. I know he would do anything for me to keep me safe. So his actions didn't surprise me at all. His last words was: I love you so much. And then they took him. It was supposed to be me. They wanted me. Maybe they liked this better? To know I would suffer. Didn't he think about that? That he didn't save me, he gave me a one ticket trip to hell. My own living hell. Maybe that is why I don't know how to smile anymore. I can give a little smile now and then. But it is not easy at all. It is a lot harder than before. Thinking about him should make you smile, not cry. Of course I know that I could be free from the pain. I could chose not to feel awful and I could chose not the feel the pain. If I wanted to I could remember the good stuff. But If I push the bad stuff away It wouldn't hurt me. And If It doesn't hurt me.. I can move on. And I still don't want to move on. I can't.